It used to be so easy, reaching out for you. A simple phone call, a few steps down the sidewalk, and there you were, right in front of me. How many times did I sneak in where I knew I wasn't really supposed to be, blatantly interrupt work or homework or reading, abruptly spill my guts out on the floor? Too many to count, I think. And what about the crazy moments we had, when you followed me outside with the camera to document my harassment of our neighbors, or we danced in the muddy January rain, or we went to the grocery store in our horrible pajamas, or you shut me in a practice room and made me tell you about my troubles, or we had conversations in our sleep, or we took turns being the "boy" and giving dreadfully pragmatic advice? Mostly, when I think of you, I am overcome by the beautiful. The evening I crawled onto your lap and wept without any explanation. The afternoon you called me, voice trembling, and I rushed home as soon as I could. The nights of tears and homework and hopelessness. The breakfast dates. The last-minute morning rushes to the shuttle. ("We're going to be laaaaate!") The angst about losing our freedom. The discussions over things that made us angry. The hugs, given at just the right moment. The tenderness of living together, in community, in covenant. The way I learned your postures, your eyes, your smiles, your laughs. The lessons you taught me about choosing to love, no matter what.
It's not so easy anymore. You're not right there, not like it used to be. Now I clutch the phone, like I wish I could clutch your hand. I cradle my tea, like I wish I could cradle your heart. I curl into my sweatshirt, like I wish I could curl into your arms. I feel the emptiness when I try to study, alone; or need a walking partner; or wish for a late-night tea friend.
Oh, girls of my heart--whoever knew that eight months could wreak such havoc on my ideas of myself as a strong and independent woman. You are gifts, plain and simple, and I am overcome with my unworthiness to receive you.
How I miss you . . .
College was such a special time and created such special, deep friendships. I miss it too... especially when I'm halfway around the world. But I am reminded constantly of the other Friend who never leaves us no matter how far we move around the world. I miss my precious girls too, but I too can entrust them to the same Friend.
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